So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
