I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
