Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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