I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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