If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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