i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
