girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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