went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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