i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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