I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
