wanna go halves on a baby?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
