I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
