Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
