he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
