i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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