I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
