At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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