u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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