I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
