I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
