dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
