Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
