Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
