this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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