cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
