I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
