It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
