i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
