I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
