Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
