Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
