We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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