Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
