I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
