I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
