Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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