this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
