Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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