highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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