actually, I'm a sock model
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
