I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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