i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
