There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
