It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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