I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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