I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
