It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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