You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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