is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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