I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
