I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
