If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
